


Alphabet Soup: The Death

by Windfighter



Series: Abasia [4]
Category: Stand Still Stay Silent
Genre: Gen, Sorry Emil, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-26
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-29 13:07:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16744582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Windfighter/pseuds/Windfighter
Summary: There has been so many accidents since Emil broke his back, so much extra work for Mikkel because Emil can't take care of himself. Emil hates it and after yet another accident he decides that enough is enough.





	Alphabet Soup: The Death

Emil had leaked again. He prefered to think of it as leaking because he was an adult and _did not_ wet his bed. He could tell because he had moved his hand down there and it felt wet. He put it back ontop of his stomach and Mikkel noticed his movement.

”Another accident?”

Emil blushed, looked away and noded. Accident also sounded better than wet the bed. Anything did really.

”You gotta stop with this peeing habit of yours”, Sigrun grinned.

Emil bit his lip. That actually made it sound worse.

”It's not a habit, I just can't...”

His breath shivered and he fell quiet again. Mikkel patted his shoulder.

”I'll take care of it in a minute. Sigrun, play nice.”

”He knows I don't mean it like that. Friends tease.”

Mikkel pushed Sigrun out of the bedroom, finished getting dressed and then lifted the blanket off Emil, put it on the floor.

”I'm sorry...”

”It's quite okay”, Mikkel said as he pulled off Emil's pants. ”As I explained several times I grew up with several younger siblings.”

”But at least they could learn to go to the toilet.”

”You will too eventually.”

”But I can't...” Emil let out I sigh. ”I'm sorry I'm still a burden.”

”It's not your fault we couldn't cut the expedition short.”

”It... feels like it is?”

”Only because you don't have something to occupy your mind, leaving you with way too much time to think.”

Mikkel put a blanket on Tuuri's bed, then moved Emil over to it. Emil pulled a sharp breath as Mikkel lifted him from the mattress and the dull ache in his back flared up. Some of it faded when he was placed on the other bed. He closed his eyes, focused on taking deep breaths and not let the pain overwhelm him. It had almost calmed down when Mikkel lifted him again to get the blanket out.

”I apologize but I assume you do not want to lie on a disgusting blanket.”

”It doesn't matter.”

”I know it does.”

Emil didn't protest. Mikkel wrapped a cleaner blanket around him, then took his mattress and carried it outside. He was left to stare at Sigrun's bed. He placed his hands over his stomach, tried to not let his mind wander but it kept doing it. Lalli peeked inside, sat down on the edge of the bed.

”Okay?” he asked.

”I'm not sure I'll ever be”, Emil admitted. ”I mean... yeah, I'm okay. I'm alive after all.”

He let out a sigh again. It would have been better if he died. Mikkel returned inside.

”I'll bite this time”, Emil said. They had already had the discussion so many times but he always cut it short, didn't want to think about it too much but always ended up doing it anyway. ”How do I learn to go to the toilet if I can't feel the need?”

”You will learn to notice the little details. Or how often you need to use it.”

”How long will  _that_ take?”

”Depends on how observant you are.”

Emil groaned. Mikkel patted his shoulder again.

”And until I learn I will keep having accidents, won't I?”

”Indeed.”

”I'm sorry.”

”So you keep saying. And I keep saying you needn't worry about it.”

”It would have kept happening even if we could cut it short though, wouldn't it?”

”Well...” Mikkel hesitated. ”You would have gotten to an actual hospital where they would have put a catheder in to help you with that.”

”A peeing bag”, Sigrun called from the outside.

”Sigrun, you are not helping.”

Emil groaned and put an arm over his face.

”Well, it is a peeing bag”, Sigrun argued.

”It is, but it isn't helping.”

”Emil doesn't mind me calling things like they are.”

Emil opened his mouth, then closed it again. He couldn't disagree, she was still his superior. He pulled the arm down from his face and looked at Lalli instead.

”I haven't apologized to you, have I?”

Lalli could understand enough Swedish by now to be able to piece together what he was saying, Emil knew as much. Lalli tilted his head and looked at Emil.

”Why?”

”Because since I can't go with Sigrun she's forcing you to come along instead.”

”Not your fault.”

”If I hadn't... If I hadn't fallen you wouldn't be forced to give up on sleep as much. I'm sorry. Everyone's having a harder time now because of me.”

In a way he figured apologizing was proof that he had grown as a person, but he didn't feel like he had grown. Instead he felt reduced to a sack of dead weight who only served to slow everyone else down, to burden them. He turned towards the wall instead. Lalli pulled his fingers through Emil's hair and Mikkel left the room. Neither said anything, Emil didn't know what to say and Lalli just didn't talk. They listened to the others talking outside, to the sounds of Mikkel preparing breakfast.

”At least the food is better this year”, Emil forced himself to smile.

Lalli nodded. Emil hadn't been allowed to eat the first days after the accident, not that he had wanted or been able to anyway, but eventually Mikkel had allowed him to start eating again. Emil had healed a bit, the fever he had had on and off since the accident had disappeared, and although his back was still equally broken his arm had healed enough for him to use it. Mikkel still kept a close eye on him though and checked up on him almost every hour as long as he was in the camp and they weren't sleeping. There wasn't anything else he could do than monitor the pain. Mikkel returned inside with breakfast, helped Emil sit up so he could get it down. Emil's cheeks turned bright red. He had never been completely independant but he had at least been able to take care of himself and now... He was a burden they were forced to spend precious time on.

”Thanks, I'm.... I'm full.”

He wasn't. Mikkel knew he wasn't, he had barely eaten, but Mikkel only nodded, went outside again. Sigrun returned inside, started gathering her uniform and weapons.

”Hey bed-boy”, Sigrun didn't notice Emil's wince. ”I'm bringing Mikkel along as well today, think you can handle a couple hours without his company?”

”Y-yeah...”

”Just try not to wet the bed again.”

”I don't...” He looked away. ”Yes, sir.”

”It'll be great when you can follow us out on the field again”, Sigrun didn't even look at him. ”You're missing so much stuck like that.”

”I...” he'd always be stuck like that. ”I know. Sorry.”

”Don't worry about it, okay?” she ruffled his hair. ”Everything will work out.”

She threw her coat and equipment onto his bed before grabbing Lalli.

”Come on, we gotta look through the map one last time.”

”Sigrun...” 

Sigrun stopped and looked at Emil this time. Emil didn't look at her.

”I'm sorry I fell off the building. And that I'm a terrible fighter. And that I'm not like you or Lalli or even Mikkel. I'm sorry I'm stuck in bed and I can't...” his breath shivered again. ”...I'm sorry I can't...”

”Hey, I said don't worry about it.”

”I just... I'm sorry I've turned into a burden. I'll... try to be less of one.”

”Emil...”

She only ever used his name when she could tell something serious was up. He glanced at her.

”I said don't worry about it. It'll turn out okay, the boat'll pick us up in a few weeks and then they'll fix you.”

”But until then...”

”Until then there's nothing else we can do.”

She dragged Lalli out of the bedroom. Nothing else they could do. Emil stared at Sigrun's bed. A few weeks, they would be forced to take care of him for another few weeks.

”Nothing else we can do”, Emil whispered.

He heard Sigrun, Tuuri and Lalli in the front of the tank, could hear Mikkel cleaning up after his accident outside. He glanced towards his own bed. At Sigrun's equipment. ' _you gotta stop this peeing habit_ ', but he couldn't stop. Mikkel said he would learn, but he knew he would never master it completely again. ' _You're missing so much stuck like that_ '. He took a shaky breath. His back ached and they were already running low on pain killers, otherwise Mikkel would have given him some with the breakfast. A few more weeks but what if something happened to the others and then they had wasted all their medical equipment on him? He clenched his hands.

”I don't really like dragging you along, big guy.”

”I don't mind.”

”I know, but the tank'll be unguarded. Can't really count on city-boy if a troll comes.”

”It's safe”, Lalli answered. ”No trolls.”

Emil wanted to come along, he wanted to be able to come along, he wanted to not be a helpless dead weight that only served as a burden. He wanted to... He wanted to have died from the fall. His eyes got wet. There, the thought was out. He wanted to have died because then he wouldn't be a burden and he wouldn't be a mess and he wouldn't have to spend the rest of his life being a mess. His eyes fell on Sigrun's knife. They had already wasted so much time and resources on him but... He could make sure they didn't waste any more. He took a shaky breath.

' _Don't worry about it_ ', but how could he not worry? He reached for it, pulled himself closer to it. His back ached so badly now. He just wanted the pain to go away, just wanted to not be a burden. His fingers gripped the belt and he pulled it closer. They were still talking, deciding which way to take. He took the knife out of the sheath, stared at the blade. If he wanted to free them of the burden that was him, this was his only chance. He was almost never alone and he couldn't move around to fetch anything.

He pushed himself up, forced himself to not cry out in pain as the pain in his back turned from throbbing to stabbing. He leaned against the wall, breathed heavily. He had probably worsened the damage, but it didn't matter, it wouldn't matter any longer. Emil pulled a hand over his cheeks, dried away the tears that had started falling, that wouldn't stop falling. His grip around the knife tightened. He could hear Sigrun folding up the map. This was it. In a few seconds it'd be too late. He took another shaky breath before lifting his hands from the mattress. A huge stab of pain shot out from his back as his weight shifted to it and he almost threw up. They were moving in the front of the tank again.

He pressed the knife against his wrist, dragged it along his arm. It hurt so much and there was so much blood. He moved the knife to his other hand, repeated the process on the unharmed arm. It didn't get as deep, he could tell. Still bled a lot but not enough, far from it. His hands were shaking. Tears ran down his cheeks. He needed to do it again. He needed to...

The knife slipped out of his grip. He could see Lalli's face through the tears, but it disappeared quickly. Everything was so painful, he didn't want to move, just wanted it to end. Mikkel ran inside, grabbed him and laid him down again. He wrapped towels around Emil's arms, ordered Sigrun and Lalli to keep pressure on them.

”How can you be so STUPID?!”

”Just... just let me...”

”You won't die anyway and do you have any idea how everyone would feel if you did?! What were you thinking!?”

”That is quite alright, Sigrun, he doesn't need a lecture right now.”

”He deserves one!”

”He will get one, but right now he needs medical attention. You can let go now Lalli.”

Lalli backed away. Mikkel sat down, cleaned the arm. Emil winced, tried to pull away, but Mikkel held his arm in an iron grip. Emil shivered, he was starting to feel light-headed and tired. Mikkel stitched the arm up, wrapped it in bandages and then took care of the other arm as well. Emil had stopped crying. He looked at Mikkel, refused to look at Sigrun, but he saw her in the corner of his eye. She was glaring at him, furious. Of course she was, he had once again proven that he was just a burden and a failure. Mikkel was done with his arms, wrapped two blankets around him.

”We'll run out of clean mattresses if you continue like this.”

”I'm... I'm sorry.”

”You need to stop apologizing about everything. It is okay Emil.”

”It's not  _okay_ ”, Sigrun hissed.

”Sigrun, it is okay. Go out of here if you can't control your temper.”

Lalli sank down on the floor, buried his fingers in Emil's hair. Emil looked at him. His eyes were worried.

”...why?” he asked.

”I... I...”

Emil wanted to apologize again. Mikkel placed a hand on his shoulder and he started crying again. Mikkel sat down on the bed, didn't say anything, only nodded for Lalli to leave as well. Lalli hesitated, but left. It took five minutes, then Emil was calming down again. His breathing was uneven but calmer, his whole body was painful and he was so tired. Mikkel let go of him.

”Does it hurt?”

Emil nodded. Mikkel took the knife from the floor, looked at Emil.

”Are you going to try again?”

Emil shook his head. Mikkel put the knife and the belt on Sigrun's coat. Within reach for Emil and Emil noticed it. Mikkel patted his shoulder again.

”I'll get you some painkillers so you'll be able to relax. And I think we'll stay in the tank today and try to do something with you instead of heading out.”

”N... Don't.. I'm not...”

”You will not finish that sentence or I will let Sigrun in here to yell at you.”

Emil closed his mouth. Mikkel got up, let Lalli inside again. Emil tried to laugh.

”I won't be allowed a moments peace after this, will I?”

Lalli sat down on his bed. He had an uncertain look on his face that Emil wasn't used to.

”We help”, Lalli said.

”Lalli, I don't”, Emil's breath shook. ”I'm a gross useless mess, I don't deserve help.”

Lalli flicked his forehead and he blinked.

”If we”, Lalli gestured at himself and towards the others, ”you'd help.”

”...Well yeah, but that's...” Emil hesitated. ”That's different.”

It sounded stupid when he said it out loud and Lalli just gave him The Look.

”It's the same. Stupid.”

Sigrun came inside again, leaned against the wall and crossed her arms.

”I've been ordered to not yell at you so I won't. And I'm ordering you to not use the word sorry or any variant of it for the rest of the expedition. Capisce?”

”I... Yeah, I got it. No more apologizing.”

He let out a short laugh that turned into a groan as the pain made itself reminded again. Mikkel returned, handed him the painkillers. Two tablets this time and Emil blinked.

”One for the back and one for the arms”, Mikkel said.

It didn't really work like that but Emil accepted the explanation. He drank all of the water before lying down again. Sigrun uncrossed her arms.

”So, anything you wanna do, city-boy?”

”I...” Emil's cheeks blushed. He started a lot of sentences that way nowadays. ”I want to sleep... a little?”

Sigrun looked stumped, shook her head. Mikkel ushered her outside.

”You get some rest”, he said when Sigrun was on the other side of the door. ”We'll help Tuuri with her work and we'll be here when you wake up. Call if you need anything. Lalli, are you staying in here?”

Lalli nodded, took his mattress out from underneath Tuuri's bed and laid down on it. Mikkel smiled, nodded and left the bedroom. Emil closed his eyes, listened as Lalli made himself comfortable on the mattress. The pain disappeared as the painkillers did their job and sounds disappeared as Emil relaxed and fell asleep.

 


End file.
